Suicide ! ! !

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CharlesJones

I've thought about suicide a few times and the only reason i haven't done it is because i'm afraid of pain. If i could afford to buy a gun, i would've killed myself a long time ago. The reason i say that is because my brain is messed up and it's hard for me to figure things out and that's why i've never had a good paying job, i've never lived on my own, i've never bought a car. I went to see a psychiatrist several times to see what's wrong with my brain and the psychiatrist told me he thinks i have A.D.D. which is attention deficit disorder. He gave me some medication to take but i never took it because i don't believe that medication can make me figure things out so i can get a good job so i can take care of myself. My dad keeps pressuring me into getting a good job and i keep telling him it's not gonna happen anytime soon because my brain is fucked up. I told my dad yesterday i wanna go see a doctor and have a doctor run some tests on my brain to see what's wrong with me. My dad told me that a doctor is only gonna take my money and not tell me what i need to hear. That may be true but i need to see a doctor anyway because my brain hasn't been right for a long time and i'm gonna tell ya'll why.



I used to live with my grandparents for 8 years after i graduated from high school. I never had a good paying job while i stayed with them. I worked a lot of shitty low paying hard labor jobs through temp agencies. I got some credit cards and maxed them out and i had to file for bankruptcy because i couldn't pay the credit card bills because i couldn't keep a job. My grandparents bought me 3 cars. One of them got stolen. The other 2 cars i don't have anymore. My grandmother died about 7 years ago and my grandfather put me out of his house 5 years ago because i couldn't keep a job and he got tired of me working low paying jobs. I never wanted to work for a low salary but because of the way my brain works, low paying jobs is the only jobs i can get and that upsets me because i wish my brain would allow me to figure things out so i can have a good paying job so i can have my own place and have a nice car. I used to catch the bus after my 3rd car broke down on me and i hated catching the bus especially in the winter. Cleveland has terrible weather in the wintertime. Right now i live with my parents and i wanna move outta their house soon because i'm tired of living with them and not having any privacy. Plus my dad and i don't get along. If it was just my mom and i living together, i wouldn't mind living with her because i love my mom more than my dad. My dad bitches too much to me about the situation i'm in and he doesn't like me watching a lot of tv. I like to watch tv a lot and that's why i need my own place so i can do what i wanna do. I know i'm gonna end up homeless eventually because if i wasn't living with my parents, i'd be on the streets and if that happens, i will definitely kill myself because i can't survive on the streets and in a homeless shelter. Homeless shelters are overcrowded and i don't wanna be around a bunch of smelly homeless people that have mental problems, drug addicts, alcoholics.

---

i feel ya pain man,my head is also fucked up,ehe

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CharlesJones

I've thought about suicide a few times and the only reason i haven't done it is because i'm afraid of pain. If i could afford to buy a gun, i would've killed myself a long time ago. The reason i say that is because my brain is messed up and it's hard for me to figure things out and that's why i've never had a good paying job, i've never lived on my own, i've never bought a car. I went to see a psychiatrist several times to see what's wrong with my brain and the psychiatrist told me he thinks i have A.D.D. which is attention deficit disorder. He gave me some medication to take but i never took it because i don't believe that medication can make me figure things out so i can get a good job so i can take care of myself. My dad keeps pressuring me into getting a good job and i keep telling him it's not gonna happen anytime soon because my brain is fucked up. I told my dad yesterday i wanna go see a doctor and have a doctor run some tests on my brain to see what's wrong with me. My dad told me that a doctor is only gonna take my money and not tell me what i need to hear. That may be true but i need to see a doctor anyway because my brain hasn't been right for a long time and i'm gonna tell ya'll why.



I used to live with my grandparents for 8 years after i graduated from high school. I never had a good paying job while i stayed with them. I worked a lot of shitty low paying hard labor jobs through temp agencies. I got some credit cards and maxed them out and i had to file for bankruptcy because i couldn't pay the credit card bills because i couldn't keep a job. My grandparents bought me 3 cars. One of them got stolen. The other 2 cars i don't have anymore. My grandmother died about 7 years ago and my grandfather put me out of his house 5 years ago because i couldn't keep a job and he got tired of me working low paying jobs. I never wanted to work for a low salary but because of the way my brain works, low paying jobs is the only jobs i can get and that upsets me because i wish my brain would allow me to figure things out so i can have a good paying job so i can have my own place and have a nice car. I used to catch the bus after my 3rd car broke down on me and i hated catching the bus especially in the winter. Cleveland has terrible weather in the wintertime. Right now i live with my parents and i wanna move outta their house soon because i'm tired of living with them and not having any privacy. Plus my dad and i don't get along. If it was just my mom and i living together, i wouldn't mind living with her because i love my mom more than my dad. My dad bitches too much to me about the situation i'm in and he doesn't like me watching a lot of tv. I like to watch tv a lot and that's why i need my own place so i can do what i wanna do. I know i'm gonna end up homeless eventually because if i wasn't living with my parents, i'd be on the streets and if that happens, i will definitely kill myself because i can't survive on the streets and in a homeless shelter. Homeless shelters are overcrowded and i don't wanna be around a bunch of smelly homeless people that have mental problems, drug addicts, alcoholics.

---

Man, props 4 being this honest. I feel your pain, but dont give up. U gotta put some goals in your life, and if u really want it, add some time and effort to em, and u'll do what u want. I have some problems too...
I finished my 1 grade of high school normal, when the 2nd came, i started good, but i started skippin class alot, and I dont mean just skippin it by goin on a coffee or such, but i couldn make myself wake up, put my clothes on and go to school. I didnt know what was the problem. and when i went, i bought some weed, got high and went somewhere, anywhere but school. I didnt pass that year. I wanted to go in the same school,same grade the next year, which i did. And first few month were great but same shit happened again. I mean i want to be in school, but its like a different side of my brain turns on, and no one can make my ass go. I thought about that often, but i couldn figure out the fucking reason. ok, i failed to finish that grade too. So now im in another school, but it aint normal, or private school, it a late night scho9ol, i dont know the right word 4 it. Anyway, its very similiar to college. I get some scripits from the teachers, and when im ready i go to pass a test. ok, i did that, i passed the 1st year normally. I got into second, and muthafuck my brain, i couldnt make myself to pass either on test. I mean i learned English, i was ready to pass it, but whenever i needed to go, i didnt. I told my parents, I'll go another time. So this years I didnt pass no tests. Now I'll go to get my driver's licence tests. i needed to go 4 a pshicical exam for that before like 3 weeks ago, and i could make myself go until yesterday. I think its the same reasons, which i cant figure them out. So whenever I need to do something i fuck it up... I hope itl change...

yo i had my head really messed up too and i still have it ... i went to therapy in winter, i dunno if it helped ... but i think it did ... even though i still have the same problems, same rage, same shit on my mind and same confusion around ... but at least i found out i`m not really negative and all ... but i trusted the therapist you know ... i knew he was a good man and all that, he was working at a non-profit organization and he wasn't charging anything ... he did all the counseling for free ... he was really passionate about what he was doing that`s why i accepted to go there so i was kinda lucky even if i didn't solve anything
i wish ya luck with gaining your balance, hope i will get it someday too

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CharlesJones

I've thought about suicide a few times and the only reason i haven't done it is because i'm afraid of pain. If i could afford to buy a gun, i would've killed myself a long time ago. The reason i say that is because my brain is messed up and it's hard for me to figure things out and that's why i've never had a good paying job, i've never lived on my own, i've never bought a car. I went to see a psychiatrist several times to see what's wrong with my brain and the psychiatrist told me he thinks i have A.D.D. which is attention deficit disorder. He gave me some medication to take but i never took it because i don't believe that medication can make me figure things out so i can get a good job so i can take care of myself. My dad keeps pressuring me into getting a good job and i keep telling him it's not gonna happen anytime soon because my brain is fucked up. I told my dad yesterday i wanna go see a doctor and have a doctor run some tests on my brain to see what's wrong with me. My dad told me that a doctor is only gonna take my money and not tell me what i need to hear. That may be true but i need to see a doctor anyway because my brain hasn't been right for a long time and i'm gonna tell ya'll why.



I used to live with my grandparents for 8 years after i graduated from high school. I never had a good paying job while i stayed with them. I worked a lot of shitty low paying hard labor jobs through temp agencies. I got some credit cards and maxed them out and i had to file for bankruptcy because i couldn't pay the credit card bills because i couldn't keep a job. My grandparents bought me 3 cars. One of them got stolen. The other 2 cars i don't have anymore. My grandmother died about 7 years ago and my grandfather put me out of his house 5 years ago because i couldn't keep a job and he got tired of me working low paying jobs. I never wanted to work for a low salary but because of the way my brain works, low paying jobs is the only jobs i can get and that upsets me because i wish my brain would allow me to figure things out so i can have a good paying job so i can have my own place and have a nice car. I used to catch the bus after my 3rd car broke down on me and i hated catching the bus especially in the winter. Cleveland has terrible weather in the wintertime. Right now i live with my parents and i wanna move outta their house soon because i'm tired of living with them and not having any privacy. Plus my dad and i don't get along. If it was just my mom and i living together, i wouldn't mind living with her because i love my mom more than my dad. My dad bitches too much to me about the situation i'm in and he doesn't like me watching a lot of tv. I like to watch tv a lot and that's why i need my own place so i can do what i wanna do. I know i'm gonna end up homeless eventually because if i wasn't living with my parents, i'd be on the streets and if that happens, i will definitely kill myself because i can't survive on the streets and in a homeless shelter. Homeless shelters are overcrowded and i don't wanna be around a bunch of smelly homeless people that have mental problems, drug addicts, alcoholics.

---

charles what you need is a good women & maybe build on at the back of your grandparents house so you can have privacy. you did work in alot of companies so you got expierence in doing alot of things maybe you should start somthing on your own like a handyman services or even a house shop or a shabeen or all 3. working for a boss is not for you, you must sit down & think what you can do for yourself
you must findout if you can't get a disability grant for that a.d.d go see a doctor & try & get some imformation out of him, take the medication maybe you could claim from the goverment maybe you could also apply for low cost housing, you must find out what benifits your country can do for you. 1st find out what benefits you can get & then go see the doctor & make it sound worse than what it is

I wouldn't mind working for myself but it's not gonna happen because i don't wanna be in charge of running a company. I don't have a lot of job experience except cleaning/janitorial work. That's the only type of work i'm good at and i don't like doing that type of work because it doesn't pay enough. Ramesh thanks for telling me about finding about low cost housing. I'm gonna look into that but i'm not trying to live in the ghetto. I wanna live in the suburbs and if i can't get a place in the suburbs, i'd rather die than live in the ghetto. Too much ignorance in the ghetto and i don't wanna be around ignorant blacks because i'm a positive person. I definitely need to be on my own because i would feel much better if i was living by myself because i can't stand my dad. It's hard for me to live with him because he complains too much about my situation and he's too negative. He curses too much and he yells when he gets upset and i'm tired of that shit. He behaves the same way when he gets upset with my mom and brother. He wakes my mom up every morning around 4am to talk to her about how much he hates his job, he talks to her about her job and i know she's gotta be tired of that because she can't get no sleep. I'm surprised my mom has been married to him for 31 years because if i was my mom, i would've divorced his ass a long time ago. He's a pain in the ass to deal with. When he dies, i'm not going to his funeral. My mom would probably force me to go but i don't wanna go because my dad and i have never had a good relationship. My dad told me he wants a closed casket when he dies. I think that's weird. Why would anybody want a closed casket at a funeral when they die?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CharlesJones

I wouldn't mind working for myself but it's not gonna happen because i don't wanna be in charge of running a company. I don't have a lot of job experience except cleaning/janitorial work. That's the only type of work i'm good at and i don't like doing that type of work because it doesn't pay enough. Ramesh thanks for telling me about finding about low cost housing. I'm gonna look into that but i'm not trying to live in the ghetto. I wanna live in the suburbs and if i can't get a place in the suburbs, i'd rather die than live in the ghetto. Too much ignorance in the ghetto and i don't wanna be around ignorant blacks because i'm a positive person. I definitely need to be on my own because i would feel much better if i was living by myself because i can't stand my dad. It's hard for me to live with him because he complains too much about my situation and he's too negative. He curses too much and he yells when he gets upset and i'm tired of that shit. He behaves the same way when he gets upset with my mom and brother. He wakes my mom up every morning around 4am to talk to her about how much he hates his job, he talks to her about her job and i know she's gotta be tired of that because she can't get no sleep. I'm surprised my mom has been married to him for 31 years because if i was my mom, i would've divorced his ass a long time ago. He's a pain in the ass to deal with. When he dies, i'm not going to his funeral. My mom would probably force me to go but i don't wanna go because my dad and i have never had a good relationship. My dad told me he wants a closed casket when he dies. I think that's weird. Why would anybody want a closed casket at a funeral when they die?

---

i understand what you mean it's not nice living in the ghetto but it's not all that bad there is the mentality of the minority that effects the majority of people, but you not going to have any problems if you not doing anything wrong, it's actually not that bad once you in there you will adapt. it's not easy being self employed it's very stressfull & it can back fire. the world works on a system & evry man plays his part , a janitor is important evry mans job is important for the world to function in the way it's designed.

I don't wanna live in the ghetto period. I couldn't see myself adapting to the ghetto. My grandmother used to live in the projects and i used to visit her when i was a kid and it wasn't that bad back then because most of the black kids in her neighborhood were my age and we played games like kickball, basketball, hide and seek. Back then her neighborhood didn't have that much crime so it was kinda safe to visit her. It's not like that anymore in her neighborhood. Her projects got torn down and a few other buildings on her side of the street got torn down. My grandmother almost got burned up and could've died in her apartment when she snitched on a drug dealer to her landlord. That happened awhile ago. My aunt's husband saved my grandmother that day. Anyway getting back to the topic, i think homeless people should kill themselves because there's no point in them living because they have no job, no money, no place of their own, no car. When you don't have those things, there's no point in living. I realize that there are some homeless people who have mental problems and they can't take care of themselves but they still shouldn't wanna live. I think blind, deaf and people who can't walk should kill themselves too. Life is fucking hard and that's why people shouldn't judge people who kill themselves. People say stupid shit like people who kill themselves are cowards because they can't deal with problems in their life. If a person wants to kill themselves, go ahead. I don't have a problem with that because i don't have the right to judge a person who's suicidal. I think about suicide sometimes because life is hard for me and that's because i have a hard time using my brain and figuring things out so i can get a good job and take care of myself. If i had a gun right now, i'd end my life and i wouldn't care what people thought about it.

rumor has it x-1 from onyx camp did himself in

X1 did kill himself.