*****AcidPhosphates Acidic Rhymes*****

[AcidPhosphate69]

I originally dropped this in the freestyle thread but I figured I have a better chance of getting feedback if I put it in here too. Peep it.

One Breath....
Smoke inhaled, burning plastic stale
Poke fingernail, learning elastic tale
Spastic and frail, dragons tail tethered
To mind balloon blowin' in windy weather
Floatin' in the air, stare in state of not care
Madness material, crack cereal balanced breakfast
Big as Texas I make messes, pick crumbs wit thumb
Lookin' for one, more rock this thought mocks
I cock hammer jam a barrel, blow head like varmint squirrel

Two Breaths...
One in and one out, about to tout clout in snout
Rout I'm taking is pure flake an', I'm shakin'
Wake and bakin', doesn't cut it...I cut it
Love it, leave it please believe it, I don't need it
Who am I deceivin'? Self-defeatin' addicted
Afflicted with sickness, the trick is to lie
To your own soul, I'm cold but warm
Bugs swarm, my mind warps scorpion sting
Was a fling now thing turned to monkey on back
Fuck a King now I sing burned I'm junky on smack

Three Breaths...
Overdosin' coastin', Pearly Gates open
Denied, refused I used and abused
What have I got to lose? My being I'm seeing
Light twice as bright as reason, this disease an'
Pleasin' season summed up, in numbed up
Statis, cryogeniclly wasted faceless tongue tasteless
Basic primal instinct to think, drink drug dope hole dug
Snug and lovely, cozy my nose be bleedin'
Seepin' brain fluid, I blew outta proportion
Self-inflicted abortion, of course when
You realize, the size you surmized to bite
Is far too big, you tries but can't chew right
Night falls on your eyes, you lie awake caked
In dried sweat, you bet you're not dead yet
But close, toasted boastin' host you float
Dope smoked too much coke, you broke
You choke in vomit, scream but cough on it
Slowly pass into the next, from gassed substance hex
You flex once dex-terity, now scarily you can't move
Again, what did you have to lose? your soul...now choose

[AcidPhosphate69]

Comatosed close, he overdosed post
Bein' clean, weaned off the fein'
Machine breathin', brain dead soul leavin'
No God believin', but now I start to pray
Please, don't take away, he's here to stay
Gray matter catastra-phe, why this disaster plea?
Doin' pins next to meth, now he fightin' for breath
Every minute stretched, watchin' neck for signs
Of live, stife this shit is trite, tonight I cry
You lie if you say you wouldn't, you shouldn't
I couldn't stop, my boy's in last death stop
One step away from heaven, being next to other brethrin
I just hopin', when and if he's lopin' to gates they open
This dude was outspoken, funny nice, twice the cat you mice
Pretend to be, I pretend to see until something like family
Something dear to me, so near to me is taken
My foundation shaken, my heart quaken
Oh Lord, can't I be the taken? I've sinned far more
Only the good die young, so I sum that I'm not done
But I await the minute, my life extinguished
Swished, wished and washed, lost I forgive the Boss
But at what cost? I dare toss the question
I done with this rhyme, it's bestin' my heart beat line
Fine, tonight I dine of unsound mind, why couldn't his be mine?

We love you Kenny Jarvis. I know you won't read this but my heart and soul goes out to you. I await the day when we can be next to eachother again playin' Xbox and making fun of fat ass Alex Billedo. You'll pull through dog, you're too strong for that shit. Love.

[Bigot Hitman]

Flow-8.0

Standard flow, not as shifty as sum of the other one's i've seen from you, but you still kept it flowing nice throughout this topical piece.

Wordplay-Absent, its ok though, topical rhymes like this don't need metaphors, similes, and that type of thing. Except for the "twice the cat you mice pretend to be" which fit in real good.

Mulities-Absent, again, they ain't neccsary for a good verse.

Originailty-8.8, your concepts you used in describe'in the character, and jus writin, wasn't played out, and said alot, and most of them were unique like this one: "Only the good die young, so I sum that I'm not done"

Overall: This topical piece was full of substance, flowed well, and didn't stray off into punchlines an wordplay that are irrelevent. For constructive critisim though, i would of added at least one metaphor compare'in the duke your talkin about to somethin ya know? Just my opinion, but this was fresh shit dun, peace.

[Sun Supreme]

ima give you a perfect 10 on the strength that i could feel that shit like you was right here spittin it to me. That shit was honest, personal, and just human for real. Everything that most "rappers" nowadays stray from. I keep u, Kenny, and all family affected in my prayers. Till then keep ya head up, PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[AcidPhosphate69]

Bringing it back. I got some shit for you fools to read and give feed. This one is from the perspective of a hardcore crack head. Peep it.

Ayo, I need yayo cooked back, call it crack
I got like a 3 stack, ackdiction fact or fiction
Itchin' lickin' dried lips, burnt black fingertips
Pipe lit sight, roamin' through the night
I think I might just like, to suck dick for fix
If I gotta turn tricks, to get cook mix then shit
I'ma get my hit, dippin' dodgin' cardboard lodgin'
Hodge podge of sludged bods, homeless head nods
Leave alley, my eyes survey Sally, takin' talley
Countin' her account, back seat payment amounts
Eyes bounce to floor, lookin' for grip to stick this whore
Screwdriver..what luck, tucked inside a jacket clutched
I crutch hobbled, wobbled over cobbled sidewalk
Played the talk casually, actually Sally knew me naturally
We practically work the same street, our eyes meet
"Hey Mike, you like the weather? No rain and it might get better."
"Yeah Sal, no need for a sweater. How you do tonight with chedda?"
"I net around 20 cash, slow night for sellin' ass."
I bets that's plenty rations, so in a quick fashion
I starts slashin', grabbin' for stash an' mashin'
Fist into floozie's face, "Mike, why this late hate?"
No reply, I stabs the bitch in the eye, no second thought
Take the loot, leave the bitch layin' in thigh boots
Ducks into the dark, hoots and hollers, I got dollars
About 15 minutes passed, I grasp some blast
Pack a pipee, light inhale twist, something is wrong
Not long, I start twitchin'...shit this was from bad kitchen
Oh I'm sick and then swish, gone into dead bliss
Sad the story could end like this, but that's what you get
Fucking around with crack kiss, you die fast bitch

[Bigot Hitman]

I'll give u sum feedback on that after school tommorow, but i can't go right now. Peace.

[AcidPhosphate69]

Schizophrenic, manicial blitz dependant
Wear your ovaries, openly as a pendant
Nobody approachin' me, scopin' me
Open throat poked, choke and rope
Tie, torture scorch ya, tippy toe torch ya
Worst bra, back-handin' titties, shit he's
Slanted, manic panic inducing antics
Landin' clit kicks, asshole dick rips
Quick fits, mind blown bitch whips
Tippity top, mopped blood quenchin'
Have I mentioned, I'm high tension?
Dispensin' deftly, doomsday destruction
Cluster fuckin', clowns cloned suction
Bust a muffin', cuffin' blunts and puffin'
Stuffin' cunts, dunce I punt fronts
Once bitten, I slumped smitten
Crack pipe hittin', coke line splittin'
E cast slippin', or be crashed sippin'
Grippin' Captains, I make it happen
Slappin' sluts, heabutt cut smut
Smoke smattered, matter's shattered
Madhatter scatter scurry, from lauched flurry
Curry spiced twice, hurried write nice
Jury slight Christ, blurry sight life...I love it.

[SID]

"Schizophrenic, manicial blitz dependant
Wear your ovaries, openly as a pendant"

lol.......lovin the opener!

[Bigot Hitman]

Bringing it back. I got some shit for you fools to read and give feed. This one is from the perspective of a hardcore crack head. Peep it.

Ayo, I need yayo cooked back, call it crack
I got like a 3 stack, ackdiction fact or fiction
Itchin' lickin' dried lips, burnt black fingertips
Pipe lit sight, roamin' through the night
I think I might just like, to suck dick for fix
If I gotta turn tricks, to get cook mix then shit
I'ma get my hit, dippin' dodgin' cardboard lodgin'
Hodge podge of sludged bods, homeless head nods
Leave alley, my eyes survey Sally, takin' talley
Countin' her account, back seat payment amounts
Eyes bounce to floor, lookin' for grip to stick this whore
Screwdriver..what luck, tucked inside a jacket clutched
I crutch hobbled, wobbled over cobbled sidewalk
Played the talk casually, actually Sally knew me naturally
We practically work the same street, our eyes meet
"Hey Mike, you like the weather? No rain and it might get better."
"Yeah Sal, no need for a sweater. How you do tonight with chedda?"
"I net around 20 cash, slow night for sellin' ass."
I bets that's plenty rations, so in a quick fashion
I starts slashin', grabbin' for stash an' mashin'
Fist into floozie's face, "Mike, why this late hate?"
No reply, I stabs the bitch in the eye, no second thought
Take the loot, leave the bitch layin' in thigh boots
Ducks into the dark, hoots and hollers, I got dollars
About 15 minutes passed, I grasp some blast
Pack a pipee, light inhale twist, something is wrong
Not long, I start twitchin'...shit this was from bad kitchen
Oh I'm sick and then swish, gone into dead bliss
Sad the story could end like this, but that's what you get
Fucking around with crack kiss, you die fast bitch

Flow-5/5
Even, slightly stretched on maybe two lines, but with your rhyme scheme the short lines flowed straight.

Metaphors/wordplay 0/0

Concepts/substance-4/5
All your concepts have been said before, so no points for orginality, but you put your own style on them and wrote them good enough so it didn't sound played out at all.

Writing skillz 4.5/5

The story tellin was real simple and great at the same time, if you woulda thrown one stand out metaphor in the verse it would prolly be a 5/5 in my book. But the rhyme schemes that u use are sometimes on the too wild side, but u kept these undercontrol and it flowed/mashed together to sound pretty good.

Overall 13.5/15 White=favorite

[AcidPhosphate69]

Metaphors/wordplay 0/0

Awwww...that's harsh. While I admit, my metaphors aren't that great and I usually lack them but wordplay is something I try to acheive every time. Either way, it's all good. I know the wordplay on that one wasn't as good as some of my other pieces.

What'd you think of the piece after that? I was a little questionable about the rhyme scheme in some places but eh...whatever.

[Bigot Hitman]

Awwww...that's harsh. While I admit, my metaphors aren't that great and I usually lack them but wordplay is something I try to acheive every time. Either way, it's all good. I know the wordplay on that one wasn't as good as some of my other pieces.

Its not like that at all, i just didn't catch any wordplay so i just gave u a 0 out of 0, that's not bad at all. Its not like a 0/5, its a 0/0.


The wordplay on the second one was their and live, more entertain too overall.

[AcidPhosphate69]

Haha...true...a 0 out of 0 isn't as bad as a 0 out of 5. Good looks.

[AcidPhosphate69]

Remainin' days, I stay blazed
Glazed and never phased, amazed
Lazed with friends, slave to skins
Never blunt slim, green too scuffed timbs
Blue rushed in, sky hue flushed in
New light, few nights I bite bullet
Pull it, beat it, never again greet it
Leave it, meatless, this food treatless
Neatest feature, future recoup or
Fall back, I ain't ready for all that
I call that stupid, I won't loop it
Over and over, this soldier gets older
Holder of high thoughts, sought freedom
Got greed um...weed, and need to feed
Hunger I thirst, for reverse to put it terse
My curse pursed, packed for better or worse
Enforced crash course, the source reports
Ports open or sorts, he short-fused with the wire to lose

[AcidPhosphate69]

^ That one seem a lot longer when I was high....

Violence supply tense, moments components
Blown, opponents shown, I'm grown hone
My skills to kill, fill mass graves these the last days
Believe the last craze, Satanic man it's scandalous
Handle us, bust brain crust trust I got blood lust
Sittin' bored, mind horde scored reck-ords Lord
Livin' not givin' a flyin' fuck, I'm dyin' to touch
Such Dutched I can't do much, crutch hobble
Wobble beat bobble-headed, dead it's over
Never sober, composer of soldier sonnets
Bee in ya bonnet, on it like stink on shit
Bitch catch a fist, kissed lips split dip
And dive, alive or dead..you catch 5 in the head
Lead burst, hurts what's worse I curse
As I lay dyin' breathless, suspect this
Is evil, weavin' cleavin' and leavin'
Large demons and heathens fiendin'
Semen squirt curtains, ruined true in
The way I work, jerk lurched burn church
Pope slaughter, laughter louder chowdah
Dinin' findin' foes, closed to those who know
Mind dead, soul numb, some fight for crumbs
I fight for feelin', hang from ceiling sounds appealing
Dealing with bad cards, I got no heart start and finish
Diminished you dead, head lopped chopped and dropped
Cops mopped I top the worst yet, I'm a cursed vet
Set is wet, I got no regreat debt is paid, I stay slave
Hatred for days I died inside, Patrick Bateman hate men
American Psycho I might blow, grow Godzilla fill a
Man with knives, lives ruined in rubble stubbled
Rugged, fuck it....I'd love to kick the fuckin' bucket

[Poetic Disciple]

...........DAMN....3 pages, of raw shit. Nice ass drops man.