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Thread: (((0o o0 o00o ~- noel411 Thread -~o00o 0o o0)))

  1. #1
    The ABBOTT noel411's Avatar
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    Talking (((0o o0 o00o ~- noel411 Thread -~o00o 0o o0)))

    Beads of sweat, dripping from my forehead,
    greed has led, to my profits being squandered,
    I leave regret, in every town I wander,
    I bleed to death, just to clear my conscience,
    I ponder the thought, of what brought me to this state,
    I might have won an award, for my skill in dodging fate,
    relentlessly push forward, like the crest of a wave,
    there's too many stories, in my nest full of hate,
    too little glory, in the steps that I take,
    I can't go on ignoring, the test that awaits,
    I detest the arrest of my soul that I've made,
    I invest in regret to digress from ritual hate,
    deflect voices in my brain, to maintain an individual state,
    reject habits ingrained, so I don't regress to traditional ways,
    confess to bless my name, but I'm cast away in a spiritual maze,
    inject drugs in my veins,
    expect to ease the pain, but it's met with minimal gain,
    my self denial techniques recieved with critical acclaim,
    my lack of self belief acts like a criminals chains,
    a disease that leaves me clinically insane,
    the struggle within is the epitomy of pain,
    move past the last disaster thinking "will it be the same?",
    when I progress to the next step of this rigorous game,
    the digger of my own grave, pull the trigger, then I aim,
    gamble six figures when I've only got a dollar to my name,
    search for a gas leak with an open flame,
    put me in a grave, lock and chain, flush the key down the drain,
    my skin stays clean and free of pain, but I bleed every day.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Bloody Mirror

    that was a good verse, i thought you ended it quite well. its good to see you experimenting with more rhyme schemes than before, but i think something you could do to improve the the flow would be to shorten the bars or use words with less syllables. nice to see you posting posting again, keep up

    peace

  3. #3

    Default Re: Bloody Mirror

    Yo noel man I thought I told you to stop writing this depressing shit. Yo, if you're down in the dumps just holla at me and we'll go body some ma'fuckaz to cheer you up.
    Don't even try to step to this......biatchhhhhh!!!!!

  4. #4
    Veteran Member PsYkOsUs's Avatar
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    Default Re: Bloody Mirror

    LOL, i was gonna read this considerin' all that shit you talk as your lame-ass-murderin' facade, thinkin' you just want attention so that cats will read your "real" shit... but:

    "Beads of sweat, dripping from my forehead,
    greed has led, to my profits being squandered,
    I leave regret, in every town I wander,
    I bleed to death, just to clear my conscience,"

    ..bein' that your first four bars didn't rhyme on the ends, you lost my attention and i couldn't finish it... your end rhymes were lazy as hell.. if you're gonna drop multies, you gotta do 'em right... honest feedback... i'll give you credit for tryin' though... tighten your rhyme-schemes, and drop that wack persona...


    PEACE

    PSY

    Those who have something to fall back on, always do.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Bloody Mirror

    Ummm, the persona is a joke. A lot of people seem to miss that. If people don't like it, I really couldn't care less. I don't do it for anybodies entertainment other than my own. And thanks for the feedback, but if you honestly think your opinion phases me in the least, think again. I don't think I'm a great writer either, but you seem to think writing is all about how many big words you can throw into a rhyme, or how precisely they rhyme, shit like that. Fuck that. I prefer to read something by someone who actually has something worth saying, which is a rarity on these forums.

    And you say this didn't hold you attention, I can tell you that I'm done with your rhymes after reading about 2 bars. And I'm not just saying that. Yeah, you're a good writer. You can rhyme well, and throw words together well, but your rhymes hold no interest for me.

    Until you have a record deal (unless you already do, in which case ignore this comment), you really need to stop talking so much shit and acting like some sort of hero.
    Don't even try to step to this......biatchhhhhh!!!!!

  6. #6

    Default Re: Bloody Mirror

    The fact that you called me out for the end of my first four lines not rhyming directly, goes beyond ridiculous.
    Don't even try to step to this......biatchhhhhh!!!!!

  7. #7

    Default Re: Bloody Mirror

    One more thing, you say you lost attention after the first four lines, and then you make comments about my end lines????????
    Don't even try to step to this......biatchhhhhh!!!!!

  8. #8
    Veteran Member PsYkOsUs's Avatar
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    Default Re: Bloody Mirror

    wow... that really wasn't needed... first off, i didn't talk about the closin' lines of your verse, i said your 'end rhymes' are sloppy in your first four bars:

    "forehead" does not rhyme with "squandered" no matter how you say it... and you can't force "wander" to rhyme with "conscience" effectively either... it just doesn't rhyme, plain and simple... unless you have a speech impediment, maybe you do...

    there's no need to defend your subject matter, i didn't say anythin' about it... and of course i know your facade is a joke, that's why i treated it like a lame-ass joke that it is... learn to take some honest criticism, it's cool if you don't like my shit, a lot of people don't, just as it's not for everyone, but that doesn't deny my skill... i never said you were garbage, just like i never said this verse didn't have any content, i said your rhymes were lazy, and the first four are... don't get upset with me for pointin' it out...

    and all i've seen you do is talk shit, so don't be the pot who calls the kettle black; it's pointless... if you're gonna talk that much shit, i expect greatness, and i was disappointed... so again, tighten your rhyme schemes, and drop the wack persona... don't be so sensitive either...

    PEACE

    PSY

    Those who have something to fall back on, always do.

  9. #9
    The ABBOTT noel411's Avatar
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    Default Re: Bloody Mirror

    Thanks for the feed, Winte. Usually when I write now I do so with the intention of later spitting and recording it, so I focus on the flow. But I don't like spitting depressing shit, so I wasn't really too worried about the flow on this one.

    And thanks also for the feed, Spoken. Since your fiending for that technical shit, I'm gonna drop a few dope bars for you, 7th Messiah style.......

    Yo, yo, residual individuals be kicking fools with pitiful conditionals,
    emphatically I tragically make a travesty of digital tools,
    vernacular rhymes offer spectular insights to the divine,
    specialise in petrified neck ties for the invalid conditioning,
    it's written when I convince men to drink ten blended petitionings,
    the bomb drops on bomb squads who concoct rock toxins,
    boxing when I'm locked in the misroscopic oxygen box lid.

  10. #10
    The ABBOTT noel411's Avatar
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    Default Re: Bloody Mirror

    Whatever man. I just picked up a cocky sort of "yeah, I'm gonna have the final say on this one because I'm the man", sort of vibe from your post, as I often do with your posts. And your first paragraph clearly shows that you have some sort of problem with me. Starting a post with "LOL" isn't a great way to indicate honest feedback. Either way, never mind, and thanks for the feedback.

  11. #11
    Veteran Member PsYkOsUs's Avatar
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    Default Re: Bloody Mirror

    Quote Originally Posted by noel411
    Whatever man. I just picked up a cocky sort of "yeah, I'm gonna have the final say on this one because I'm the man", sort of vibe from your post, as I often do with your posts. And your first paragraph clearly shows that you have some sort of problem with me. Starting a post with "LOL" isn't a great way to indicate honest feedback. Either way, never mind, and thanks for the feedback.
    make no mistake.. i have no problem with you, i just find it hard to take your work seriously with that wack alter-ego... and that's not a diss, just my honest opinion, i didn't expect it to bother you, LOL... a lot of people misinterpret what i say, trust me i'm used to it by now... i think most of the people here cringe when they see my name in their threads and there's no reason for that... i'm not here to diss cats, but they're quick to react in 'defensive mode' everytime i offer an opinion that's more than the usual mindless praise they recieve from everyone else... i'm not that much of an asshole, i don't think... or maybe my all friends are just too scared to tell me otherwise..? LOL...

    PEACE

    PSY

    Those who have something to fall back on, always do.

  12. #12
    The ABBOTT noel411's Avatar
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    Default Re: Bloody Mirror

    What you said about my verse didn't bother me at all, it's just the way you said it, and how you gave me the impression you deliberately wanted to put me down, after starting your post by dissing me. Never mind though.

    Peace

  13. #13
    Taoist Saint GuardianOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Bloody Mirror

    Here it seems you tried hard to rhyme, or might be you were trying to explain something. But since you mentioned you weren't putting attention on the flow that might be another issue. The content had its own effect sought of personally attributing to some (mistake, downfall-depressing as if). Does seem lonely though. But keep posting.

    Peace

  14. #14
    the illuminated orator
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    Default Re: Bloody Mirror

    ....this was not bad... the flow was pretty much on point through out except for the "I" before "aim"....

    "too little glory in the steps that i take"


    "inject drugs in my vein/ expect to ease the pain but it's met with minimal gain"

    ...i liked these two parts the best, and the intro was cool, i liked the interior rhymes but the off end rhymes, you gotta tighten that abit like, rhyme the 1st and 3rd lines, and 2nd and 4th... i felt that besides the first five lines or so the whole piece was summed up in the two lines that i quoted above... either way, keep spitting, it's aight... peace...

  15. #15
    The ABBOTT noel411's Avatar
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    Default Re: Bloody Mirror

    Cool, many thanks for the feed. And I appreciate the negative comments. I have found that they actually have made me want to try and improve my writing. I'm actually my own worst critic. I'm not real big on my writing either. I think every verse I write has its moments, but I need to try to start writing verses that are compiled entirely of those "moments". Thanks again.

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